Polished Scrawl Productions: The Blog

I wish I had more news to report, Internets. Unfortunately, I have come upon a period of fierce languidity, instigated by my severe lack of computer power. I have felt a small, wispy cloud of neurotic floating around in my brain ever since I sent my laptop to Kansas to be repaired. It’s a little disquieting how dependent I am on such a tenuously reliable machine. It sucks that I find myself at what amounts to a grinding halt without it. There is a sizeable pile of things that need to be resolved, and the only tool for the job is “waiting on a part.”

This sort of reliance on a computer can’t be good. It is exactly this sort of thing that will bring about our eventual Terminator and/or Matrix apocalyptic future. Something must be done about this before it’s too late!

But, man…I really hope they can fix it by this weekend.

In other news, here is what I would look like, were I an M&M:

It’s all very scientific, with various sliders and color swatches and dismembered body parts. The end result is nothing short of delicious…in a creepy, self-consumptory way. Click here to create your own candy-shelled, chocolate-filled doppelgänger!

Penfold is off being repaired again - - for the same, evidently not-uncommon, problem as last time - - after only five months. I spent, quite literally, all day Friday on the phone with Toshiba, trying to convince them that they shouldn’t get another $550 to re-repair my computer. Or, more accurately, I spent most of the day on hold to Toshiba’s “Customer Service” line, which I am instead going to refer to as their “Call Us and Listen to Muzak for 45 Minutes and then We Hang Up on You. Repeat Ad Infinitum” line.

Eventually, I was able to battle my way through a series of lowly tech support rajas until I was finally able to get someone to shirk the established status quo at the “Call Us and Listen to Muzak for 45 Minutes and then We Hang Up on You. Repeat Ad Infinitum” line, and actually (for the love of Merry Good King Wenceslaus!!) answer the freaking phone. This person agreed to extend to me a “one-time exception” to my long-since-expired warranty, allowing me to have Penfold repaired for free - - but the question remains: will the same thing happen yet again after another short period of time? If it does, I sure as sugar had better get another “one-time exception.” Of course, I’m sure I’ll have to trudge through another unending expanse of muzak wasteland in order to even come close…

Toshiba, you officially suck.

This example refers to the Western Digital MyBook Premium 400GB External Hard Drive, but these steps can be applied to any expensive, highly-important piece of electronic equipment.

Step One: Have the cooling fan begin to make horrible, unnatural grinding sounds. This can be accomplished simply by using the drive in a normal, everyday manner. If the fan continues to function normally after two months of use, check that you have not, in fact, inadvertently purchased a grandfather clock or a small, wooden stool.

Step Two: In order to remedy what is surely a simple case of misaligned parts, or a piece of foreign debris, apply firm external “repair force” to the top and sides of the plastic casing, using the palm of your hand or, in severe circumstances, a balled up fist. Once the fan noise stops, discontinue repair and enjoy your now silent cooling fan for a period ranging anywhere from one to 15 minutes, at which point you can expect the noise to begin again–this time more vigorously, and with more inherent spite. Repeat for a period of at least two weeks.

Step Three: Decide that incessant screeching noises–not dissimilar to the death throes of an asthmatic howler monkey–are not conducive to enjoying the robust, full-bodied day you were promised by your coffee earlier.

Step Four: In a fit of annoyance and temporary insanity, attempt to gain access to the fan inside. An instructional video is available for this step entitled “Cast Away,” starring Tom Hanks. In the film, Mr. Hanks demonstrates a similar procedure involving a coconut.

Step Five: Once you have removed the outer casing (having ignored several instances of the sound of cracking plastic), you will see the cooling fan. You will also notice that the fan is connected to a very intimidating-looking circuit board, and that the connection is, of course, inaccessibly tucked in amongst what are obviously very, very important (and very easily bent) thingers and doohickeys that poke out in all directions from the board.

Step Six: Begin removing a series of very tiny, very losable screws, thereby releasing the circuit board, the hard drive, and a vital-looking metal brace of some sort–all of which will cascade out onto the table in no discernible pattern. You should now be able to unplug the cooling fan connector from the circuit board.

Step Seven: Having succeeded, instead, in tearing the wires from the connector, leaving the connector firmly attached to the circuit board, you have now, technically, removed the fan! With any luck, that connector won’t short circuit, and hopefully the entire drive won’t overheat without the fan!

Congratulations! You have just toyed around, willy-nilly, with sensitive, expensive electronic circuitry, and have created a potential fire hazard! Enjoy your newly quiet hard drive!

Sittin’ here in the office dinkin’ around on MySpace ’cause there’s not really much of anything better for me to do at the moment. Actually, that’s not true, but the things I should be doing I am not in the right frame of mind for right now. And so I am here typing away on my Tablet PC, which I have dubbed “Penfold”
a.) Because you can write on the screen with a pen (a.k.a. “stylus”… if you want to get all technical about it)…
b.) Because you can fold the screen around and back down over the keyboard…
c.) Because Penfold was a character on Danger Mouse, and that show rocked…
d.) Because I am an absolutely immense specimen of a dork, and have named my laptop for god’s sake.

That was not a multiple choice test. There are no circles to fill in with your #2 Pencil (NO X’S! NO CHECKMARKS! WRONG! FAILURE!!!!! GO BACK TO KINDERGARTEN!! DO NOT TURN THE PAGE UNTIL TOLD TO DO SO!!!)

I am sitting in my office right now. At my desk. Looking out the window. I can see the glowing red neon pegasus from here. Sometimes it spins around, but it’s not right now. I suppose that means it’s broken, but maybe they just turned off his rotatey thing… I don’t really know why they would do that. He doesn’t spin very fast, so I don’t think they’re concerned about him (I’m assuming it’s a him) rotating into a whirling, red frenzy and flying off the roof and crashing down onto the street. Although maybe he should. That’ll teach ‘em to shut of his rotatey thing… the bastards!

Last night was the first night of the 12inchpimps Club One After Hours Infotainment Real Estate Seminar… no… sorry, Dancing-like-a-Monkey Cirque du Crazyhouse. It was pretty freakin’ fun. Lotsa people. Lotsa music. Lotsa lasers… “lasers”… and a guy wearing a saddle… Yes, that’s right. Random guy wearing a saddle, whom you could ride should you choose to. I chose to…refrain. I chose instead to do a little dance, talk(SHOUT) to people, and shake hands. Sometimes even do the kind of shaking hands that requires multiple steps, and which I am completely not cool enough to be allowed to do. But I fake it pretty well.

… listening to Frank Sinatra sing “One For My Baby” is quite nice, by the way… <—-(this is known as an “aside”)…

But, yes when properly motivated (read: “liquored up”) I can be known to dance. I’ve been told in the past that I’m actually “good” at it, but that might give the false impression that I actually know actual dance “moves.” While I did take a ballroom dance class with my friend Tasha once, only a small quotient of that knowledge remains in my brain, and therefore my dancing consists of what, to a sober outsider, might appear to be the beginnings of something they might should call in a priest about. I dunno… I just do what I do… tha’s how I roll… playa’… (see that’s why I shouldn’t be allowed to do those multi-step handshakes….)

Just so you know… I’m typing this in order to kill time until people come back to the office, ’cause supposedly we might be going to Nikita in a little while… but until then, I type. I just looked at the word “handshakes” above, and for a split second I read it as “milkshakes”… and now I want a milkshake… dammit…

….

(a few minutes later)

Okay, I keep finding other things to be distracted by, so I think I’m done with this now… Gonna’ leave in a few minutes anyway…

ZONK!